"Scientists" discover new sleeping disorder

Pencil necks at the emergency, squirrel! Labs claim to have discovered a new sleeping disorder that they are calling Tourettes Narcolepsy. Sufferers, they say, have a tendency to drop off to sleep with no provocation, and at the most inopportune times, and then proceed to swear and curse loudly. This can cause considerable disruption in offices, on trains or in church, they claim.

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Cover yourself in strange creatures
(in badge form of course)

These badges are small, round and very attractive. Designed for emergency, squirrel! by the fabulous designer Lilly Tallula, they feature images of axolotyles, cave dwelling worms, deadly viruses, and electron-micrographs of things probably not worth contemplating. They are 35mm in diameter, and come in packs of 5 assorted from a total of 20 designs.

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Randiest monkey in the world

The noble Proboscis monkey - this one pictured below from Brunei.

There’s gotta be some kind of evolutionary reason, right?  One suggestion for the honker is that the chicks dig it. Really? Hey, what’s that in his right hand? I guess his face horn didn’t cut the mustard, and he’s gotta take care of bidniz his own self. Don’t let your children go near one of these randy bastards.

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click to engorge

Squirrel drops a fresh steaming track!

Even with the world’s stock markets falling faster than a Qantas jet full of pensioners, emergency, squirrel! are bullish about this new cut “God+Death=Goth” from their upcoming collection: "The Death of emergency, squirrel!".

And why wouldn’t they be? After all they’ve got the Big Man Upstairs in to bust some rhymes on this one.

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Welcome to the Shitfest

The world owes a lot to Russ Meyer, Ed Wood, and a score of other Shit directors who were too Shit to even rate a mention here. A body could fly around the globe three times and not get bored with the inflight movie program if it was anything like the list we present to you herein.

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No need to hold on any longer

The white coats at es.Labs have done it again. With the imminent collapse of western society due … well … any day now, a way to reduce oil dependency AND emissions has been an absolute priority for the lads in Antwerp. And here it is: The emergency, squirrel! PECaN. It stands for Personal Emissions Capture and iNternment. Snappy name, guys. But what’s it do? Well, while everybody’s been all hot and bothered about carbon reduction and sequestering, no one has been worrying about that other greenhouse gas - methane. (more…)

click to take a closer look

emergency, squirrel! enters the
“gourmet” tea market

In a strategic redeployment of resources, Squirrel Holdings has made a huge commitment to the burgeoning “gourmet” tea market. "First it was herbal tea, then green tea, and white tea … Now we’ve got brown tea!" explained the new emergency, squirrel! tea baron, Tea Barron. “This neuvo “tea culture” fad is just the ticket for us. Bunches of hippies sitting around suckin’ down tea all day. They’ve got varieties with petals, twigs, rice bubbles even popcorn in it. Shit, they’ll drink anything!" (more…)

Squirrel Holdings purchases two treasures of the Dutch “Old School”

"These paintings represent a major art investment by emergency, squirrel!, and will in time appreciate greatly in value,” said the curator of the Squirrel owned Perineum Museum in Prague, Taint Gooch-Gründle. "They are very nice, and most definitely not fake," Ms Gooch-Gründel went on to say.

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Chinese authorities crack down on menu cock-up

Chinese authorities, while not busy torturing and removing the organs from Falun Dafa followers, are now harassing restaurant proprietors over their imaginative English translations of their dishes’ names.

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Consumers get Squirrel for peanuts!!

FAdoinga Records & Tapes plans to maintain its policy of FREE downloads for ALL emergency, squirrel! tracks. "They’re just not worth selling," said FAdoinga mouthpiece Knutt Schnack. Despite this, downloads of the inexplicably named 4 Dimensional Space Time EP have almost hit single figures (more…)

Kids have a lot of energy! Why not put it to good use?

The emergency, squirrel! Kiddie Harness (Patent Pending) can be attached to shopping carts, vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers, even bull bars. Just strap junior in, point him at a Wiggles video, and watch him go!

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